Anyone?

From having spells of depression, maintaining semblance of normalcy, especially when in public, from living all twenty one years of my life, so far I've learnt that, things don’t go as planned. 

Life... It’s unpredictable for all of us.

For the longest time I associated depression with ungratefulness. I remember praying, crying at the same time, telling God "I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I don't take anything you give me for granted... I'm sorry I feel this way, I don't understand why I feel this way...." 

I remember hating myself for feeling depressed, I still kind of do.

Generally speaking, I think half of my suffering, our suffering comes from our expectations that things were supposed to be better than this. And when things are pretty shitty, we just don’t know what to do, because we think it's wrong to feel that way and to talk about it.

Suffering is perfectly okay. Every feeling you are feeling right now is okay... Okay? It's allowed.

In all honesty I'm not happy today, I'm not sad either. I’m in pain and joy. I feel grouchy. I hate my life right about this minute, in a few hours I’ll probably love it so darn much and then go back to hating it and then go back to loving it.

Maddie Ziegler's expression and bizarre movements in this video reflects exactly what I go through when depressed.

Suddenly I have two personalities or maybe I give in and listen to the arguments between two mes sitting on either of my shoulders.

Many times I feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, that the whole world is against me and that everything is meaningless, even previous accomplishments. I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I feel super fatigued and desperate for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be fine. Other times I feel nothing, absolutely nothing... I lie in bed with my eyes wide open, I force myself to sleep. I lose interest in people and things that are most important in my life. All I need is solitude and silence.

I don’t want to hide my feelings anymore. I want to be open about my experiences.

On my previous post, I mentioned I was going through depression and and felt relieved, it did feel great to put it out there. I'd only shared it before with one friend and I was pretty surprised when I got all these amazing, supportive comments from beautiful souls, some seemed to genuinely be going through what I was going through, even worse, because I got feedback from Wanjiru Mungai which made me tear up and left me speechless. I have depression, yes, but it has never reached to a point where I thought of taking away my life. I've thought of packing whatever little I've got and going to a far place, where nobody knows me so I can start a new life all on my own... I'll just quote what she said...

 "I have and still deal with depression to the point of suicide thoughts, but im slowly learning to deal with it one day at a time, i write listen to music, talk to my good friend when i have a break down but most importantly Pray, prayer works."

Two more comments that really got me were those by Samke Hlongwa and Bella Candice. They made me realize that some people in society think depression is trivial and not a serious health condition, which is very wrong. Depression is a real illness, with real symptoms, it's not a means of seeking attention or making other peoples lives difficult. It's not something you can just snap out of by pulling yourself together.

 Contrary to what society teaches us and especially our men, there's nothing strong about being emotionless. When we hide our feelings we hide our existence and when we hide our existence we aren’t living. We all deserve to live. Pretending we're doing good just so we can appear all grown up, for the sake of our image and reputation should simply stop.

Give yourself permission. Stop beating yourself up for being unhappy. Cry when you want or need to. Scream and yell and swear and stomp around. It’s okay, okay?

The more we let ourselves feel, the faster we can process our feelings and move to a more comfortable and happier place. I strongly believe that after trials, comes triumphs.

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There's so much I want to keep saying. It's liberating!

 Besides talking about it, I've noticed that meditation, healthy meals, soothing music and exercise do wonders, also reading websites that help to get informed about depression and to cope with it.

I'll go ahead and list a few websites here with their links, I try to read an article a day from any of them, I think you should too, especially if you are suffering or you have a friend/family member who is suffering from depression.

Healthline 

 Please take this online test too, apparently depression is like the common cold, anyone can get it. You can also seek medical attention to clarify the results you get.

I'd be more than glad to communicate with anyone experiencing the blues, sometimes that's all we need, to let it out. Together we can beat depression. Reach me via email ~ yvonnewaluvengo@gmail.com

I love you all so much, I can't wait to finish studying and doing my exams so I can blog whenever I want. I have so much kick-ass stuff planned for upcoming posts! Haha!

Thanks for sticking with me! Keep smiling!

Think about it for a second, when you feel loved and valued, it’s easier to love and value others, right?

So every time you add value to a human being, you’re starting sort of like a chain reaction. You’re making it easier for someone to love the next person in their path. And who knows? That chain reaction might make it so far down the line, affecting people whose name you don’t even know, whose faces you’ve never seen.

And it started with you.

I'm looking forward to the future, I hope and pray for greater things and opportunities. My dad once told me to work hard and smart, I'll keep doing exactly that, enjoying myself while I'm at it and patiently waiting to see where it gets me. Channeling my creativity brings me joy, Jua Na Maua brings me joy.

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