Raise your hand if your life is going as planned.
Anyone?
From having spells of depression, maintaining semblance of normalcy, especially when in public, from living all twenty one years of my life, so far I've learnt that, things don’t go as planned.
Life... It’s unpredictable for all of us.
For the longest time I associated depression with ungratefulness. I remember praying, crying at the same time, telling God "I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I don't take anything you give me for granted... I'm sorry I feel this way, I don't understand why I feel this way...."
I remember hating myself for feeling depressed, I still kind of do.
Generally speaking, I think half of my suffering, our suffering comes from our expectations that things were supposed to be better than this. And when things are pretty shitty, we just don’t know what to do, because we think it's wrong to feel that way and to talk about it.
Suffering is perfectly okay. Every feeling you are feeling right now is okay... Okay? It's allowed.
In all honesty I'm not happy today, I'm not sad either. I’m in pain and joy. I feel grouchy. I hate my life right about this minute, in a few hours I’ll probably love it so darn much and then go back to hating it and then go back to loving it.
Maddie Ziegler's expression and bizarre movements in this video reflects exactly what I go through when depressed.
Suddenly I have two personalities or maybe I give in and listen to the arguments between two mes sitting on either of my shoulders.
Many times I feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, that the whole world is against me and that everything is meaningless, even previous accomplishments. I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I feel super fatigued and desperate for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be fine. Other times I feel nothing, absolutely nothing... I lie in bed with my eyes wide open, I force myself to sleep. I lose interest in people and things that are most important in my life. All I need is solitude and silence.
Maddie Ziegler's expression and bizarre movements in this video reflects exactly what I go through when depressed.
Suddenly I have two personalities or maybe I give in and listen to the arguments between two mes sitting on either of my shoulders.
Many times I feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, that the whole world is against me and that everything is meaningless, even previous accomplishments. I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I feel super fatigued and desperate for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be fine. Other times I feel nothing, absolutely nothing... I lie in bed with my eyes wide open, I force myself to sleep. I lose interest in people and things that are most important in my life. All I need is solitude and silence.
I don’t want to hide my feelings anymore. I want to be open about my experiences.
On my previous post, I mentioned I was going through depression and and felt relieved, it did feel great to put it out there. I'd only shared it before with one friend and I was pretty surprised when I got all these amazing, supportive comments from beautiful souls, some seemed to genuinely be going through what I was going through, even worse, because I got feedback from Wanjiru Mungai which made me tear up and left me speechless. I have depression, yes, but it has never reached to a point where I thought of taking away my life. I've thought of packing whatever little I've got and going to a far place, where nobody knows me so I can start a new life all on my own... I'll just quote what she said...
On my previous post, I mentioned I was going through depression and and felt relieved, it did feel great to put it out there. I'd only shared it before with one friend and I was pretty surprised when I got all these amazing, supportive comments from beautiful souls, some seemed to genuinely be going through what I was going through, even worse, because I got feedback from Wanjiru Mungai which made me tear up and left me speechless. I have depression, yes, but it has never reached to a point where I thought of taking away my life. I've thought of packing whatever little I've got and going to a far place, where nobody knows me so I can start a new life all on my own... I'll just quote what she said...
"I have and still deal with depression to the point of suicide thoughts, but im slowly learning to deal with it one day at a time, i write listen to music, talk to my good friend when i have a break down but most importantly Pray, prayer works."
Two more comments that really got me were those by Samke Hlongwa and Bella Candice. They made me realize that some people in society think depression is trivial and not a serious health condition, which is very wrong. Depression is a real illness, with real symptoms, it's not a means of seeking attention or making other peoples lives difficult. It's not something you can just snap out of by pulling yourself together.
Two more comments that really got me were those by Samke Hlongwa and Bella Candice. They made me realize that some people in society think depression is trivial and not a serious health condition, which is very wrong. Depression is a real illness, with real symptoms, it's not a means of seeking attention or making other peoples lives difficult. It's not something you can just snap out of by pulling yourself together.
Contrary to what society teaches us and especially our men, there's nothing strong about being emotionless. When we hide our feelings we hide our existence and when we hide our existence we aren’t living. We all deserve to live. Pretending we're doing good just so we can appear all grown up, for the sake of our image and reputation should simply stop.
Give yourself permission. Stop beating yourself up for being unhappy. Cry when you want or need to. Scream and yell and swear and stomp around. It’s okay, okay?
The more we let ourselves feel, the faster we can process our feelings and move to a more comfortable and happier place. I strongly believe that after trials, comes triumphs.
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There's so much I want to keep saying. It's liberating!
Besides talking about it, I've noticed that meditation, healthy meals, soothing music and exercise do wonders, also reading websites that help to get informed about depression and to cope with it.
I'll go ahead and list a few websites here with their links, I try to read an article a day from any of them, I think you should too, especially if you are suffering or you have a friend/family member who is suffering from depression.
Please take this online test too, apparently depression is like the common cold, anyone can get it. You can also seek medical attention to clarify the results you get.
I'd be more than glad to communicate with anyone experiencing the blues, sometimes that's all we need, to let it out. Together we can beat depression. Reach me via email ~ yvonnewaluvengo@gmail.com
I love you all so much, I can't wait to finish studying and doing my exams so I can blog whenever I want. I have so much kick-ass stuff planned for upcoming posts! Haha!
I'd be more than glad to communicate with anyone experiencing the blues, sometimes that's all we need, to let it out. Together we can beat depression. Reach me via email ~ yvonnewaluvengo@gmail.com
I love you all so much, I can't wait to finish studying and doing my exams so I can blog whenever I want. I have so much kick-ass stuff planned for upcoming posts! Haha!
Thanks for sticking with me! Keep smiling!
Love & Light
Xx
31 comments
I was very depressed too. I did not think that I was good enough. But I got through it with the help of God. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
ReplyDeletewww.chicfromhair2toe.com
Thank you too Nerline! I trust that I and many others will get through it as well.
DeleteLife doesn't to to plan, I don't think we can really plan our lives out, but we can pray for God to lead us. My faith has certainly helped me throughout testing times
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post.
Great to meet you,
Laura www.shehearts.net x
Faith is vital, thank you for sharing your thoughts Laura.
DeleteLife never goes according to plan, but with prayers things can change.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thestylegalaxy.com
I know right? Prayer is the most amazing of things.
DeleteLove reading your post! Great post and thanks for sharing :) Kisses Ashon
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Kisses, right back at you :-)
DeleteTake each day one day at a time beautiful queen. Be strong and find peace doing something you really love and breathe. Life is hard but you look like a beautiful strong lady who can make it through.
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I'm determined not to allow depression to take over my life, dreams and goals. Thank you for your encouraging words Busola.
Deleteu are adorable
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:-) :-)
DeleteYvonne,Yvonne,Yvonne Waluvengo...you are not ungreatful,no you are not.How everyones emotions are set up is not upto you its upto God.Do not even at one point feel like you are alone,I do understand you. Mine has got to a point where even when something nice is about to happen i still cant be happy.Im set to graduate with an LLB.Degree but I still cant feel the exctment...just to sya the least.I am sending you an email right now.XX
ReplyDeleteyou are not alone.
cry and pray it all out.
I LOVE U.BELLA
I'm grateful for our friendship Bella and for the fact that we understand what it feels like to be depressed. I believe despite the pain it has brought us, it has also made us better, stronger humans. Thank you love!
DeleteLove the look! Beautiful ♥
ReplyDeletesummerdaisy.net
♥ ♥
DeleteOh wow,so deep.Reading this has been such an eye opener for me.So much to learn from a single blog post.I totally agree with the part where you say being emotionless is not strength.It really isn't ok to pretend to be ok when you're not.I'm really looking forward to the upcoming blog posts.The "kick-ass stuff planned"
ReplyDeletesophieatieno.blogspot.com
Thanks Sophie! I'm looking forward to create better content for the blog as much as I can.
Deletemy life isn't really how i pictured it to be but i believe that everything happens for a reason, i just try to take it one day at a time and figure it out as i go :)
ReplyDeletedanielle | avec danielle
Everything happens for a reason, couldn't have put it better, thank you Danielle!
DeleteHey love there is a God out there that hear you even when no one cant u such a precious life for him l. Keep pushing in him we are more than conqueror thanks for sharing i love reading yr stories remain blessed nice post thanks for stopping by my blog was such a pleasure to have u there
ReplyDeleteYanikeur.blogspot com
Thank you for stopping by to Yanes! I love your blog. Bless you dear!
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Life doesn't always happen the way you want it to but I believe everything happens for a reason. Stay strong and focused on the good things in your life!
ReplyDeleteJill
Doused In Pink
I push myself to look on the bright side each day, it helps.
DeleteBeautiful young Lady, I am so sad about your dealing with depression! I hope that illness like that has some roots that you must finding and become aware of that! I think it is the point from the healing is start.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes and kisses,
Silvy
I agree completely, knowing the root cause of the problem makes the beginning of the healing process so much easier.
DeleteThank you for sharing this dear. I went through deep depressions in my early twenties as well. In my thirties now and doing better, accepting what is and living one moment at a time, I agree prayer is so incredibly wonderful. I loath myself into self help books to truly understand it all. I will check out your books for sure. I realized that I am an hsp....(highly sensitive person) took me a while to figure it out though....You come across as a really beautiful, young and intelligent lady. Wishing you the best.
ReplyDeletewww.chicuturnonglitz.blogspot.com
Thank you so much Michele for your words. I needed them. God bless!
DeleteXx
I have nothing meaningful to tell you because I have been going through the exact same thing to a point where I stopped praying, I hope to get back to God soon because he is the only answer but all I will tell you you is that you are stronger than you know and you will emerge out of this an even more stronger person. All the best.
ReplyDeletewww.fashionstylemogul.com
http://sengifted.org/archives/articles/existential-depression-in-gifted-individual
ReplyDelete